A little something something....

Today I have been thinking a lot about the upcoming summer. It usually goes so quickly, which I think this year will be a blessing. With DH deployed, it will get us closer to the window to his return. I was with my sister and my three nieces this week and the girls were asking about my husband. They are all under the age of six, so the questions are things like “does he ride camels?” and “Is he fighting bad guys?” which in all their innocence makes me smile. If only things were that simple.

Next week I’m going for my surgeries. It’s been a little emotional this week I think just leading up to that. I’ve had my mom drive me to surgeries before, but this one is different with DH half way around the world. I’ll miss him by my bedside taking care of me. He does make the best chicken soup! He had grown this moustache while he has been overseas. When we skyped yesterday I was so glad to see his handsome face – no moustache! It’s the little things that get you through! We hit the 6 month mark since he officially deployed. It’s kind of skewed since he was in the country for training for a bit. But it’s definitely been an adjustment.

My mind has been wandering to reintegration. Not only him coming home to me and readjusting to that, but also the fact that our home sold right after he left. So he isn’t even coming home to the place that he left. I’m in a small apartment waiting for him so once we have a little time to settle back into life, we can look for a new house to buy together. I wonder not only what kind of emotional bundle will be coming back to me, but what kind of emotional bundle he is coming home to! I’m sure I have changed a lot in this period as well. I definitely feel like our relationship has been through the pasta mill. It’s been the pasta dough that was watered and floured and pounded before finally run through the pasta mill. Now we are a pile of noodles waiting to be turned into something! Who knows what. Hopefully it’s a delicious thing!

Yesterday I had somewhat of a small breakthrough of sorts. I haven’t been able to get myself to go to the gym. DH and I went in the mornings together before work, and it’s been very hard for me to even face the idea of going since he has been deployed. It’s been the last big mental block in my life. I know – come on girl – get over it! So I talked my cousin into going with me. I knew if I could just get through the doors, I would be good. So yesterday, it happened! Today my arms are so sore. But it feels good. As I did certain weights and such I found myself watching for DH to come around the corner. Our normal routine. I can’t wait for him to be back. I really miss him everywhere in life!

So not much of an update here. But just a little catching up things are good post. I will have more next week after the surgery and I will let you know how that all goes!

Unintentional sting

So, I'm back from the left coast. Kinda depressing being back in the snow covered NJ. The winter is such a low time for everything, but the low temperatures are the worst. To add insult to injury, after leaving sunny California I landed back in NJ and had to de-ice, de-snow and somehow break through the massive encrustation of muck to get into my car. I managed to cut my hand on the ice - ouch!

My husband was VERY happy to see me! Hooray! We even got to spend one whole day together! A day off has been rare for him. Sunday was his first day off in three weeks! We went to mass, breakfast, a beautiful hike in Torrey Pines...it was an absolutely perfect day....

I managed to make it home with no problems. I grabbed some soup out of the freezer and stuck it in the microwave while I quickly unpacked some of my stuff - comprising of several bottles of medication. Progesterone, glumetza, and letrozole (just in case I got stuck in CA longer than planned!) It's funny how things like medication start to make you feel defined, or forced into some crazy hole. I had to have my progesterone called into a pharmacy in CA. When the pharmacist asked if I was on any other medication so she could make sure there wouldn't be any conflict, I told her glumetza.....she then proceeded to talk to me for 5 minutes about how diabetes can be handled with diet and exercise. Thanks, lady......I already have a no carb diet and I work out 5 days a week....my A1C also is in fine shape - so thanks......I'm not diabetic. I'm trying to make a baby, yo!

Once I finally made it to the couch, I saw I had an e-mail from my NaPro Doctor....I had gone for blood work while I was in California since my flight was delayed...twice! I called the office and they sent me over a script for the blood work, and off I charged with two different scrips in hand. Coincidentally I have my endo this week also, so it lined up to have that, plus my P+7 bloodwork done (I should do a post on what the lingo I've learned so far actually means when it comes to NaPro and Creighton Model)

Anyway, I opened the e-mail from my Doc, and it said "labs negative for pregnancy - see attached"...I didn't even realize HCG was on the lab slip e-mailed to me, but it was. I didn't even think I was pregnant....I wasn't even with my husband to try during the fertile window. But it stung reading those words. In my head it was coming across as "FAILURE FOR PREGNANCY!" which I know is completely unreasonable. It may have been just because I was exhausted from a day of travel and running through the airport to catch a connection home, but my heart hurt getting that e-mail.

I guess this is kind of par for the course when it comes to IF....we want so badly to be parents. Under normal circumstances, I'm stalking my chart and just waiting for the first day I can take a home pregnancy test (HPT) just to get a negative. This time, it wasn't even on my radar since my DH and I haven't even been together since New Years! It kind of stung....I don't know that it will ever be OK hearing that I'm not pregnant....but this time was weird, because we weren't even available to try!

Scatterbrained

So that mostly describes my day to day dealings with just about anything! It's been three weeks since I got to physically hug my DH. I kind of feel like I have to constantly drag this 200lb brick everywhere I go. I'm always tired and nothing is fulfilling. I've tried shopping, and spending time with family and friends. I'm missing a piece of me and my heart! The separate just sucks.

Moving on though - because dwelling on the negative is never a good thing! I saw my fertility doctor...let me tell you a little about that! Being Catholic, it is important to both DH and myself that we follow the "old fashioned" seeming rules of the church when it comes to babies. Infertility is unfortunately common within my family, so I followed the lead of some of the ladies who had successful pregnancies (within the confines of the church rules - yay!) following The Creighton Model. So basically I chart on a daily basis and keep an eye on when fertile and non-fertile days are. They have discovered over the past 15 months we have been trying to conceive that I do in fact have endometriosis,  PCOS, insulin resistance and of course could stand to lose a few pounds. The problem is when this mix all gets together, it makes is VERY hard to lose weight.

Sidetrack to the weight thing for a minute. I have tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! Doctor moderated diets, low car, no carb, low fat, no fat, no sugar, no caffeine, low glycemic index, you name it, I tried it. I even had the lap band and was the only stalemate they had experienced. I lost ZERO weight! So I went forward and had gastric bypass where I lost 30lbs and stalled out. Since then, keeping to a strict 80/20 eating philosophy (good 80% of the time, cheat a little) I have managed to watch my weight begin creep back up little by little. This is despite the 4-5x a week I am at the gym working out. I cardio, I weight train, I use free weights, body weight, machines, elliptical, I feel like I could be a spokeswomen for how to make the gym more fun - is it really too much to ask for a separate weight area for women? Anyway......that's my weight story....back to the feature focus - fertility.

So while my husband is away, I plan to work on myself and what I have control over. I have an appointment already scheduled for the surgeon regarding the endometriosis. Who knows what will happen there but I hear amazing things about this doctor. He is a Creighton Model doctor, and is supposed to be very gentle and welcoming to deal with. That's one of the things I like about all the doctors I have met through this Creighton Model journey (I should do a post on that, right?). All the doctors, practitioners, nurses, etc that I have met have been wonderful.

Along the fertility lines, I have also decided to try adding acupuncture back onto the list. I did it briefly in October, when we actually conceived and then lost the baby at only a few weeks. I don't know if that was the reason, but I figure it atleast gives me one hour in a dark room to nap! The best kind of stress reduction ever :-)