Friday, May 15, 2015

Surgery day recap

So I survived! Not that it was really a question. I had confidence in my doctor all the way. It's weird though. I've done surgery before with my mom taking care of me, but this one was so different. We arrived at the hospital at 6am. After shuffling through the paperwork and making our way through different hallways and elevators we made it to the pre-op room. It's always icy cold! So I changed into my lovely and aesthetically pleasing hospital gown, after a small mishap with the IV I was wrapped with warm blankets and waited. 

The doctor came in and greeted myself and my mom. Explained that the plan as still endometriosis removal, selective hsg and then the ovarian wedge resection. He said he would evaluate everything else while in there and give it a good once over. All in all should be expected to be about 2.5 hours. After he left the room I wanted nothing more then to have DH there holding my hand. Telling me it would be ok. I lost it for a minute and my mom hugged me and did all her mommy magic. But the biggest piece of my heart was missing. I'm getting teary-eyed writing this!

So soon after that they came in and I gave my mom a kiss as we shuffled down the hall to the OR. During this time and even looking back on it now, it was a surreal experience. Like it wasn't me. I couldn't talk because if I did, I would absolutely BURST into tears. As I got assembled on the table I felt a tear welling up in the corner of my right eye as the doctor asked me where I wanted to dream of while simultaneously a hot rushing metallic taste took over my mouth and soon two long blinks was the last I remember. 

When I started waking up all those groggy feelings and wanting to move little motions start to take over. The nurse told me I had to lay still and soon I would be wheeled down to recovery where I could see my mom. Now I've been through enough surgeries to know you aren't going anywhere until you use the bathroom. So I told her I had to go. She said I had to wait until I was in the next phase of recovery. 

Finally downstairs I saw my mom. She said the doctor told here there was no endometriosis to remove!  There was one polyp he removed from my uterus and he cleared the mucus build up in one of my fallian tubes. Then he did the ovarian wedge resection. Both of my ovaries were about 2x the size of normal ovaries. So he resized them and now here we are. 

So I'll be staying with my parents for a few days. I'm pretty mobile, just sore, slow moving and stiff. My throat is very sore. Of course it's difficult to cough or laugh. But all in all I have to say, things went well! Now I'll just put my time in for the remainder of the deployment. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

A little something something....

Today I have been thinking a lot about the upcoming summer. It usually goes so quickly, which I think this year will be a blessing. With DH deployed, it will get us closer to the window to his return. I was with my sister and my three nieces this week and the girls were asking about my husband. They are all under the age of six, so the questions are things like “does he ride camels?” and “Is he fighting bad guys?” which in all their innocence makes me smile. If only things were that simple.

Next week I’m going for my surgeries. It’s been a little emotional this week I think just leading up to that. I’ve had my mom drive me to surgeries before, but this one is different with DH half way around the world. I’ll miss him by my bedside taking care of me. He does make the best chicken soup! He had grown this moustache while he has been overseas. When we skyped yesterday I was so glad to see his handsome face – no moustache! It’s the little things that get you through! We hit the 6 month mark since he officially deployed. It’s kind of skewed since he was in the country for training for a bit. But it’s definitely been an adjustment.

My mind has been wandering to reintegration. Not only him coming home to me and readjusting to that, but also the fact that our home sold right after he left. So he isn’t even coming home to the place that he left. I’m in a small apartment waiting for him so once we have a little time to settle back into life, we can look for a new house to buy together. I wonder not only what kind of emotional bundle will be coming back to me, but what kind of emotional bundle he is coming home to! I’m sure I have changed a lot in this period as well. I definitely feel like our relationship has been through the pasta mill. It’s been the pasta dough that was watered and floured and pounded before finally run through the pasta mill. Now we are a pile of noodles waiting to be turned into something! Who knows what. Hopefully it’s a delicious thing!

Yesterday I had somewhat of a small breakthrough of sorts. I haven’t been able to get myself to go to the gym. DH and I went in the mornings together before work, and it’s been very hard for me to even face the idea of going since he has been deployed. It’s been the last big mental block in my life. I know – come on girl – get over it! So I talked my cousin into going with me. I knew if I could just get through the doors, I would be good. So yesterday, it happened! Today my arms are so sore. But it feels good. As I did certain weights and such I found myself watching for DH to come around the corner. Our normal routine. I can’t wait for him to be back. I really miss him everywhere in life!

So not much of an update here. But just a little catching up things are good post. I will have more next week after the surgery and I will let you know how that all goes!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Plans are a funny thing

Sometimes your best made plans are interrupted and cast by the wayside...Life occasionally steps in and makes a completely different plan. On a small scale, that's what happened to me this week. On a large scale, that's been the last 8 months of my life! But let's look at the small picture because the big picture has been exhausting lately.

So I have been planning some fun things over these months during the deployment to keep myself busy and such. One of the things I did plan was a mud run - it is a 5K mud run that I was going to do up in Boston with some friends. It's this Saturday! So the last 48 hours I have been plagued with this awful stomach bug! It has been just dreadful. While I had every intention of going up to do the run, I don't think I'm going to be able to go. I'm just today able to eat some crackers and a banana. Hoping that things get better from here.

An interesting observation I've made over the last few months has been regarding my decision to come off Facebook. Initially, during the first phase of the miscarriage, it was a lot to have the input of seemingly everyone posting that they were pregnant. That, coupled with the idea that people would be knowing or potentially posting that DH was away, lead me to come off the social media site. I have definitely noticed some of my friendships have fallen off and become more distant. It takes a lot to keep friendships going with the busy lives that everyone has, and in some ways, social media has made it easier for us to just know the day to day of people's lives without even really trying. I have found myself putting more time into the people that invest their time into me. There is definitely a clear line of people who have reached out and invested into me. Who know what is going on with me. Who know what is happening in my life. And there are others that have moved to the fringe.

The evolution of life is something that is really very funny.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Light in the tunnel!

Have you been to the eye doctor when they sit you behind that black apparatus and make you lean your head against it to look through the impossibly small holes? Then they hook up the "reading" bar with a little card and slide it closer to your eyes obstructing everything else in view but bringing those tiny little letters into your whole range of focus. That exactly explains where my life has been for the last few weeks. Those tiny letters on that little card have been the miscarriage - obstructing my ENTIRE LIFE. I haven't been able to see anything past that.

Why now? It's 6 months past when it actually happened, so why now? Let's think about that....At the time of the miscarriage, DH was getting ready to deploy, he was away at training, the house was in the final stages of selling, packing, apartment hunting, DH departing to CA, moving, back and forth to CA to visit him, moving again, finally DH going overseas.....then I came home to quiet. I was left with my DH deployed, I wasn't 6 months pregnant. I was in an apartment alone. I was dredging through life. I was finally facing the fact that here I was, in a non-ordinary life, alone - no husband and no baby. Not only that, but we didn't even really have another chance to try for a baby after the miscarriage because of the timing.

So we miscarried and I've just been kind of sitting with the disappointment. No hope to try again for a year. Now don't get me wrong. I know God has a plan. I know that things happened the way that they did for a reason. I know that it also took me a good 3 weeks to get in touch with what exactly my problem was! Guys, I was in  HUGE FUNK!

I finally identified the problem. I finally began talking about it. Working through it. I'm definitely not through it. But I've found a candle in my tunnel. I can at least see where I'm going now. It's a dim light, but it's helping me keep my balance, and step over the obstacles in the way. I feel much more in control since I've identified what it is that was weighing me down.

So I feel ready to move forward a little at a time. The first step is going forward with the surgeries I have scheduled with my NaPro doctor. I see him next Thursday and I have a list of questions. I'm scheduled for three surgeries. One to remove the endometriosis (endo as most people shorten it to), a selective HSG, and an ovarian wedge resection. The hope is to get in, get cleaned up and get healed and hopefully ready and ovulating on my own (without meds!) so when DH is back, we can start trying again for the family we want so badly.

It's funny the way life works out sometimes. In this season of Easter, I feel that I have been given new hope, new life and a new chance. I hope that I can hold onto this feeling of newness as I watch the flowers start to poke their heads up, trees start to slowly turn green and the sun stay a little higher in the sky a few minutes longer every day. It's such a hopeful time of year. I hope that the hope extends to you and your family too.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Dredging Through

So March is almost over, that will mark the first month down. It's been really rough since DH went overseas. We have gotten to e-mail pretty regularly, and we use Google Chat (instant message) a few times a week. We have gotten to talk on the phone twice since he's been over there, so it's in some ways not as bad as I thought. In other ways it is harder.

It's taken me a while to kind of get in touch with the fact that I feel like those scenes in the movies when one main point freezes, and everything else is spinning and whirling all around. I feel frozen and time is still passing. Life goes on, but I'm frozen in place! It's a weird feeling. This is the temporary normal. I'm so thankful it's temporary!

Lets change gears before I get too emotional....I booked my three surgeries. They are all going to be in one shot - the endo removal, the selective HSG and the ovarian wedge. They will be in May (hopefully). It's at least things I can do to get myself ready for DH return. It's so weird to think I will be 35 by the time we are able to try again for a baby. That means I'll be near 36 if we are successful right away. Where did the years go?

So I've been working like crazy on this tricky tray for DH motorcycle club. I really want it to be a success for multiple reasons, but mostly because he isn't here. I want to represent him well and have it be a successful event for him and the club. They are so generous and they donate 100% of their proceeds to the cause each year that they support.

I felt like I had a lot to blog about. My brain is so full carrying around this deployment. I'll try to focus more next time and come up with some more to blog about, I know there is more in there!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

A new reality

So it's not quite new, but it's not old, but it's the now and it's not forever. So let's just go with new-ish. My routine was just starting to settle in... and by routine I of course mean keeping myself so insanely busy that I don't have even a minute to think about what is actually happening in my head! I mentioned in my last post that I called the NaPro doc as soon as I got back from Cali after sending DH on his way overseas. That is just in a lull right now. Waiting on insurance, which we all know can take some time..

In the meantime, I have scheduled dinners, and outings and meetings and made plans with everyone I can think of. DH is in a motorcycle club, which I was at first resistant to, but have since warmed up to very much! I adore the women in the club and the good hearts of these "motorcycle" guys never ceases to amaze me. They are made up of all veterans, army, navy, air force, marines, police, fire fighters, the list goes on and on. They are the most generous souls and some of the kindest men I have ever met in my life. The fact that I get along with the women in the club is just an enormous bonus! So they run a fundraiser every year, so I'm pushing to throw myself into that to not only help the club, but also to distract and to give back.

Something I have learned over my 34 years on this globe is that when things in my life get crummy, things seem more hopeful if I can come out of myself and serve others. Somewhere along my journey I heard a quote - I googled it to make sure I got it right!

“The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served.” ― Gordon B. Hinckley, Standing for Something: 10 Neglected Virtues That Will Heal Our Hearts and Homes

When you can give someone else assistance, or hope, or a helping hand or even a smile - what a great feeling. Keeping my heart in shape is important. I need to make sure it stays strong for not only me, but so I can continue to life DH burden - after all, I'm not the only one separated from their spouse! I got a call at 1:30am today from him telling me that it will be a while before he can call or contact me again. One of the worst calls to get as a military spouse - yet one of the best, because it was a heads up. Now I operate off the "no news is good news" mantra! I will focus on a weekly e-mail full of uplifting stories of how I'm keeping busy and seeing my friends, both of our families and relay entertaining stories and pictures to him. I don't want him to have an image of me sitting at home with piles of tissues around me wallowing in his absence!

There's a picture of us I keep on my desk at work. It was taken just a few weeks after we started dating, which we coincidentally used as our engagement announcement picture. I'd love to show it to you, but he is very cautious about information and pictures on the internet. The leaves are bright and bold with fall colors, he is looking at me and smiling with the most genuine smile while his arm is around me. It looks so natural. And we had only been dating for a few weeks! I hold on to the fact that we came together so easily and quickly. I hope the home adjustment is just as easy and quick! I'll try not to borrow sorrow from tomorrow - haha 

Friday, March 13, 2015

Explosion of emotion!

Today I popped into a local eatery for lunch. I ordered a sandwich that I was very excited to enjoy. I haven't been sleeping well this week - but I made it through the week (almost)! My emotions are ready to bubble out at ANY time.

I have read a LOT of blogs and articles about deployments and what to expect. One of the great ones that stands out in my head is this one - Why I wish Your Husband Would Deploy. Today I had a first experience - it was with the waitress of the lunch place. When I mentioned in conversation that my DH was deployed, she said "I wish my husband would leave for a year." This comment may seem innocent from the civilian side of things, but I burst into tears. I would give ANYTHING to have him back at my side.

It took me a minute to pull myself together, but things flash through my head. I'd love to be able to boss him around to take out the trash, I want to feel his body heat in bed to warm my cold toes. I want him to help me put my jacket on, kiss my forehead, open my car door for me, fight with him about stupid little things, listen to him laugh on the phone with his friends, talk to him about whether or not we should buy a raffle ticket for some random prize, eat the crust on his pizza, put my arms around his body and hug him and to be able to kiss his soft loving lips. I would give anything to be close to him again.

Re-reading that paragraph, it's the little things. Don't get me wrong though! There are times that I just want DH to be quiet and stop arguing with me, or times I just want space for a few hours from him. Overall though, I miss him and I want him home! I have reached out to a lot of the wives I know through his different commands of days past. I am very lucky that he set me up with a network of people I can talk to about this whole situation. It's always funny when the guys give their opinions also! If I listened to the men, it would be all naked pictures lining his care packages! That's not happening - absolutely not.

So this week I also called my Doctor to get in for the NaPro surgeries. They are contacting the insurance company and they will get back to me to schedule. The things I have read online regarding the Ovarian Wedge surgery say that people have the highest success rate in the first 6 months after the surgery. So maybe before the summer I will go, and then DH return should fall in that 6 month window somewhere! I hope....