A little something something....

Today I have been thinking a lot about the upcoming summer. It usually goes so quickly, which I think this year will be a blessing. With DH deployed, it will get us closer to the window to his return. I was with my sister and my three nieces this week and the girls were asking about my husband. They are all under the age of six, so the questions are things like “does he ride camels?” and “Is he fighting bad guys?” which in all their innocence makes me smile. If only things were that simple.

Next week I’m going for my surgeries. It’s been a little emotional this week I think just leading up to that. I’ve had my mom drive me to surgeries before, but this one is different with DH half way around the world. I’ll miss him by my bedside taking care of me. He does make the best chicken soup! He had grown this moustache while he has been overseas. When we skyped yesterday I was so glad to see his handsome face – no moustache! It’s the little things that get you through! We hit the 6 month mark since he officially deployed. It’s kind of skewed since he was in the country for training for a bit. But it’s definitely been an adjustment.

My mind has been wandering to reintegration. Not only him coming home to me and readjusting to that, but also the fact that our home sold right after he left. So he isn’t even coming home to the place that he left. I’m in a small apartment waiting for him so once we have a little time to settle back into life, we can look for a new house to buy together. I wonder not only what kind of emotional bundle will be coming back to me, but what kind of emotional bundle he is coming home to! I’m sure I have changed a lot in this period as well. I definitely feel like our relationship has been through the pasta mill. It’s been the pasta dough that was watered and floured and pounded before finally run through the pasta mill. Now we are a pile of noodles waiting to be turned into something! Who knows what. Hopefully it’s a delicious thing!

Yesterday I had somewhat of a small breakthrough of sorts. I haven’t been able to get myself to go to the gym. DH and I went in the mornings together before work, and it’s been very hard for me to even face the idea of going since he has been deployed. It’s been the last big mental block in my life. I know – come on girl – get over it! So I talked my cousin into going with me. I knew if I could just get through the doors, I would be good. So yesterday, it happened! Today my arms are so sore. But it feels good. As I did certain weights and such I found myself watching for DH to come around the corner. Our normal routine. I can’t wait for him to be back. I really miss him everywhere in life!

So not much of an update here. But just a little catching up things are good post. I will have more next week after the surgery and I will let you know how that all goes!

Light in the tunnel!

Have you been to the eye doctor when they sit you behind that black apparatus and make you lean your head against it to look through the impossibly small holes? Then they hook up the "reading" bar with a little card and slide it closer to your eyes obstructing everything else in view but bringing those tiny little letters into your whole range of focus. That exactly explains where my life has been for the last few weeks. Those tiny letters on that little card have been the miscarriage - obstructing my ENTIRE LIFE. I haven't been able to see anything past that.

Why now? It's 6 months past when it actually happened, so why now? Let's think about that....At the time of the miscarriage, DH was getting ready to deploy, he was away at training, the house was in the final stages of selling, packing, apartment hunting, DH departing to CA, moving, back and forth to CA to visit him, moving again, finally DH going overseas.....then I came home to quiet. I was left with my DH deployed, I wasn't 6 months pregnant. I was in an apartment alone. I was dredging through life. I was finally facing the fact that here I was, in a non-ordinary life, alone - no husband and no baby. Not only that, but we didn't even really have another chance to try for a baby after the miscarriage because of the timing.

So we miscarried and I've just been kind of sitting with the disappointment. No hope to try again for a year. Now don't get me wrong. I know God has a plan. I know that things happened the way that they did for a reason. I know that it also took me a good 3 weeks to get in touch with what exactly my problem was! Guys, I was in  HUGE FUNK!

I finally identified the problem. I finally began talking about it. Working through it. I'm definitely not through it. But I've found a candle in my tunnel. I can at least see where I'm going now. It's a dim light, but it's helping me keep my balance, and step over the obstacles in the way. I feel much more in control since I've identified what it is that was weighing me down.

So I feel ready to move forward a little at a time. The first step is going forward with the surgeries I have scheduled with my NaPro doctor. I see him next Thursday and I have a list of questions. I'm scheduled for three surgeries. One to remove the endometriosis (endo as most people shorten it to), a selective HSG, and an ovarian wedge resection. The hope is to get in, get cleaned up and get healed and hopefully ready and ovulating on my own (without meds!) so when DH is back, we can start trying again for the family we want so badly.

It's funny the way life works out sometimes. In this season of Easter, I feel that I have been given new hope, new life and a new chance. I hope that I can hold onto this feeling of newness as I watch the flowers start to poke their heads up, trees start to slowly turn green and the sun stay a little higher in the sky a few minutes longer every day. It's such a hopeful time of year. I hope that the hope extends to you and your family too.

Weightlifting Life

I feel like I have just about a 500lb boulder on my back! Life right now if VERY HEAVY!!

St. Anne pray for me! I don't know that St. Anne is the patron saint of STRESSED OUT, but I love her and she has been so good to me.

So I have been absent from this blog - not sure at this point if anyone is reading it though. I think it's more of a help to me to just get my thoughts on track. Plus a lot has happened over the last few weeks.

I'm back in SoCal for my last trip to see my DH before he deploys. If that wasn't enough stress, I met with the surgeon last week, and he wants me to go for a trifecta - three procedures in one! One would be just a scouting mission to make sure everything is good with my uterus. Then one would be an endometriosis removal surgery with the final one being an ovarian wedge. AHHH!!!

I'm not even sure where to start, so let's just jump in with what I'm most nervous about - the ovarian wedge. So when I met with my NaPro surgeon my husband was able to video chat with us during the consult. What an unexpected blessing! I had a hard time concentrating on what the Doctor was saying due to the images he was showing. I realized I have a weak stomach when it comes to surgical images.

Luckily for me, WebMD had this link. Basically my body should be able to ovulate on it's own after this surgery. We will have roughly 8 months before DH returns, so that gives me plenty of time to have the surgery and heal.

Since I'm out in SoCal with him, I arrived on P+1. Having met with the surgeon before I came out here, I know I had a nice follicle that was ready to burst the day before I came out to SoCal. Fingers crossed! I will be able to take a HPT before he goes, so we will atleast know where we stand. If I end up staring a new cycle, we already decided I would go forward with the endo and wedge surgery. There is some other irons in the fire, but I'm not really ready to talk about that yet! That will have to come in the next blog. Exciting hook - right?

Calendar Mixup and Charting

So as a new cycle started, things continue to chug along. It's kind of sad that a new cycle started, but like I said in my last post, I didn't even expect to be pregnant. We missed pretty much any chance last cycle, and this one doesn't look any more lucky since I won't be out in California until days after potential peak day. But such is the life of a sailor's wife!

One thing that did work to my advantage..and my surprise! I had a work thing come up for March, which happened to be the same date as the appointment I had scheduled with the surgeon to talk about my endometriosis. I called to reschedule and there was a mix-up when the appointment was made and it was actually made for Feburary 12th instead of March 12th, so score! I get to go see him a month sooner.

So when I first started seeing Dr. J, my NaPro doctor, it was about 6 months prior to our wedding. It was recommended to us by our priest, who happens to be a very good friend of mine! DH and I started out on the Creighton Model charting. It was an interesting dynamic for our relationship. Especially for me. I never never was comfortable talking about sex openly or sexual humor. Talk about tight laced, right?! Now here I am talking about it on a blog.....

It was discovered early on through the various ultrasounds that I did have some endometriosis. I'm very lucky that I've never really had painful periods, a tell-tale sign of endo. Over the last almost two years, my cycles have leveled off and become quite healthy looking. My doctor is happy with that aspect I suppose, and it's good to remind myself that things have been evolving for me. It's hard to keep positive and see the upside of things when the whole point is to have a little baby, and that just hasn't happened (to term) yet for us.

So some key ideas and terms that go with this Creighton charting:

1. Observations - These are done routinely, before and after anything involving your body - haha. Before anything in the bathroom basically - toilet, shower..

2. Fertile Days: Believe it or not, that includes period days, then during observations you can see/feel fertile times. If there is lubrication (aka a slippery wipe) it would be a fertile day. If there is mucus on the toilet tissue, that would be fertile days too.

The level of fertility that is the highest is when it's clear, stretchy and lubricative. The last day that you have those three things in one single observation - that would be peak day!

You're considered fertile for three days post peak - referred to as P+1, P+2 and P+3.

3. All other days (if there is no lubrication or mucus) they are just regular days. They can be dry, wet or shiny based on any observations you may have.

Those are the basics. So now I can tell you, I won't see DH until at least P+3 based on the current cycle trend I have been going through.

This post has been informative, but a big yawn in the excitement department. Sorry about that! Not every blog can be amazing - haha. I'll try to work on my pizzaz for the next one :-)

Scatterbrained

So that mostly describes my day to day dealings with just about anything! It's been three weeks since I got to physically hug my DH. I kind of feel like I have to constantly drag this 200lb brick everywhere I go. I'm always tired and nothing is fulfilling. I've tried shopping, and spending time with family and friends. I'm missing a piece of me and my heart! The separate just sucks.

Moving on though - because dwelling on the negative is never a good thing! I saw my fertility doctor...let me tell you a little about that! Being Catholic, it is important to both DH and myself that we follow the "old fashioned" seeming rules of the church when it comes to babies. Infertility is unfortunately common within my family, so I followed the lead of some of the ladies who had successful pregnancies (within the confines of the church rules - yay!) following The Creighton Model. So basically I chart on a daily basis and keep an eye on when fertile and non-fertile days are. They have discovered over the past 15 months we have been trying to conceive that I do in fact have endometriosis,  PCOS, insulin resistance and of course could stand to lose a few pounds. The problem is when this mix all gets together, it makes is VERY hard to lose weight.

Sidetrack to the weight thing for a minute. I have tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! Doctor moderated diets, low car, no carb, low fat, no fat, no sugar, no caffeine, low glycemic index, you name it, I tried it. I even had the lap band and was the only stalemate they had experienced. I lost ZERO weight! So I went forward and had gastric bypass where I lost 30lbs and stalled out. Since then, keeping to a strict 80/20 eating philosophy (good 80% of the time, cheat a little) I have managed to watch my weight begin creep back up little by little. This is despite the 4-5x a week I am at the gym working out. I cardio, I weight train, I use free weights, body weight, machines, elliptical, I feel like I could be a spokeswomen for how to make the gym more fun - is it really too much to ask for a separate weight area for women? Anyway......that's my weight story....back to the feature focus - fertility.

So while my husband is away, I plan to work on myself and what I have control over. I have an appointment already scheduled for the surgeon regarding the endometriosis. Who knows what will happen there but I hear amazing things about this doctor. He is a Creighton Model doctor, and is supposed to be very gentle and welcoming to deal with. That's one of the things I like about all the doctors I have met through this Creighton Model journey (I should do a post on that, right?). All the doctors, practitioners, nurses, etc that I have met have been wonderful.

Along the fertility lines, I have also decided to try adding acupuncture back onto the list. I did it briefly in October, when we actually conceived and then lost the baby at only a few weeks. I don't know if that was the reason, but I figure it atleast gives me one hour in a dark room to nap! The best kind of stress reduction ever :-)