Plans are a funny thing

Sometimes your best made plans are interrupted and cast by the wayside...Life occasionally steps in and makes a completely different plan. On a small scale, that's what happened to me this week. On a large scale, that's been the last 8 months of my life! But let's look at the small picture because the big picture has been exhausting lately.

So I have been planning some fun things over these months during the deployment to keep myself busy and such. One of the things I did plan was a mud run - it is a 5K mud run that I was going to do up in Boston with some friends. It's this Saturday! So the last 48 hours I have been plagued with this awful stomach bug! It has been just dreadful. While I had every intention of going up to do the run, I don't think I'm going to be able to go. I'm just today able to eat some crackers and a banana. Hoping that things get better from here.

An interesting observation I've made over the last few months has been regarding my decision to come off Facebook. Initially, during the first phase of the miscarriage, it was a lot to have the input of seemingly everyone posting that they were pregnant. That, coupled with the idea that people would be knowing or potentially posting that DH was away, lead me to come off the social media site. I have definitely noticed some of my friendships have fallen off and become more distant. It takes a lot to keep friendships going with the busy lives that everyone has, and in some ways, social media has made it easier for us to just know the day to day of people's lives without even really trying. I have found myself putting more time into the people that invest their time into me. There is definitely a clear line of people who have reached out and invested into me. Who know what is going on with me. Who know what is happening in my life. And there are others that have moved to the fringe.

The evolution of life is something that is really very funny.

Wanted: Brain Power

So I'm home - I spent 2 weeks in SoCal with my DH...and now he is gone. I tracked his flight as he took his 4 leg trip from SoCal to the Middle East - each leg taking him further and further from me. Technology is so great because it gives us a way to keep in touch, but watching his little icon plane fly further from home was an awful feeling.

This being my first deployment, everyone tells me it's the worst. I started a new cycle just days before he left, so now he's gone and so are any chances of us conceiving. A hugely bitter-sweet pill to swallow with a smile on my face. As I sat at work today, people passed by my desk and with the best intentions asked how I was doing. I hope it was normal "par-for-the-course" behavior to want to just stab everyone (including myself) in the eye. I wanted to cry, and then got aggravated at myself for wanting to cry....It's day ONE! Pull yourself together, woman! I hope this gets easier.

As I stood at the curb with DH waiting for the luggage to arrive at the airport from the base, I looked around at the other guys deploying with him. I don't know these men and women - and while they are all going to the same place - they are all strangers. They are supposed to put their trust in each other. They are supposed to rely on their combat brothers and sisters to get them home. STRANGERS! I was both overwhelmed at the fact that so many were there at the airport alone - and also overwhelmed at the fact that these men and women (like my DH) were leaving their families and loved ones to fight for our country. For God and Country.....really a remarkable thing. It only makes it easier for a minute. Once that national pride wears off, I'm left with my feelings of quiet aloneness.

My friends and family have been trying to convey and shower me with support, but I still feel alone. I want the days to go quickly and I want to hold on to that feeling of how perfectly he fit into my arms as I hugged him at the airport. How I felt his breath on my shoulder telling me he would be back to me. How I felt his arms squeeze my back as if he was trying to shove more of his love into my body to keep me going. How I felt when I kissed him through the tears that were rolling down my cheek that one last time. Today is Day 1 back to normal life. I hope it gets better from here.

Weightlifting Life

I feel like I have just about a 500lb boulder on my back! Life right now if VERY HEAVY!!

St. Anne pray for me! I don't know that St. Anne is the patron saint of STRESSED OUT, but I love her and she has been so good to me.

So I have been absent from this blog - not sure at this point if anyone is reading it though. I think it's more of a help to me to just get my thoughts on track. Plus a lot has happened over the last few weeks.

I'm back in SoCal for my last trip to see my DH before he deploys. If that wasn't enough stress, I met with the surgeon last week, and he wants me to go for a trifecta - three procedures in one! One would be just a scouting mission to make sure everything is good with my uterus. Then one would be an endometriosis removal surgery with the final one being an ovarian wedge. AHHH!!!

I'm not even sure where to start, so let's just jump in with what I'm most nervous about - the ovarian wedge. So when I met with my NaPro surgeon my husband was able to video chat with us during the consult. What an unexpected blessing! I had a hard time concentrating on what the Doctor was saying due to the images he was showing. I realized I have a weak stomach when it comes to surgical images.

Luckily for me, WebMD had this link. Basically my body should be able to ovulate on it's own after this surgery. We will have roughly 8 months before DH returns, so that gives me plenty of time to have the surgery and heal.

Since I'm out in SoCal with him, I arrived on P+1. Having met with the surgeon before I came out here, I know I had a nice follicle that was ready to burst the day before I came out to SoCal. Fingers crossed! I will be able to take a HPT before he goes, so we will atleast know where we stand. If I end up staring a new cycle, we already decided I would go forward with the endo and wedge surgery. There is some other irons in the fire, but I'm not really ready to talk about that yet! That will have to come in the next blog. Exciting hook - right?

Unintentional sting

So, I'm back from the left coast. Kinda depressing being back in the snow covered NJ. The winter is such a low time for everything, but the low temperatures are the worst. To add insult to injury, after leaving sunny California I landed back in NJ and had to de-ice, de-snow and somehow break through the massive encrustation of muck to get into my car. I managed to cut my hand on the ice - ouch!

My husband was VERY happy to see me! Hooray! We even got to spend one whole day together! A day off has been rare for him. Sunday was his first day off in three weeks! We went to mass, breakfast, a beautiful hike in Torrey Pines...it was an absolutely perfect day....

I managed to make it home with no problems. I grabbed some soup out of the freezer and stuck it in the microwave while I quickly unpacked some of my stuff - comprising of several bottles of medication. Progesterone, glumetza, and letrozole (just in case I got stuck in CA longer than planned!) It's funny how things like medication start to make you feel defined, or forced into some crazy hole. I had to have my progesterone called into a pharmacy in CA. When the pharmacist asked if I was on any other medication so she could make sure there wouldn't be any conflict, I told her glumetza.....she then proceeded to talk to me for 5 minutes about how diabetes can be handled with diet and exercise. Thanks, lady......I already have a no carb diet and I work out 5 days a week....my A1C also is in fine shape - so thanks......I'm not diabetic. I'm trying to make a baby, yo!

Once I finally made it to the couch, I saw I had an e-mail from my NaPro Doctor....I had gone for blood work while I was in California since my flight was delayed...twice! I called the office and they sent me over a script for the blood work, and off I charged with two different scrips in hand. Coincidentally I have my endo this week also, so it lined up to have that, plus my P+7 bloodwork done (I should do a post on what the lingo I've learned so far actually means when it comes to NaPro and Creighton Model)

Anyway, I opened the e-mail from my Doc, and it said "labs negative for pregnancy - see attached"...I didn't even realize HCG was on the lab slip e-mailed to me, but it was. I didn't even think I was pregnant....I wasn't even with my husband to try during the fertile window. But it stung reading those words. In my head it was coming across as "FAILURE FOR PREGNANCY!" which I know is completely unreasonable. It may have been just because I was exhausted from a day of travel and running through the airport to catch a connection home, but my heart hurt getting that e-mail.

I guess this is kind of par for the course when it comes to IF....we want so badly to be parents. Under normal circumstances, I'm stalking my chart and just waiting for the first day I can take a home pregnancy test (HPT) just to get a negative. This time, it wasn't even on my radar since my DH and I haven't even been together since New Years! It kind of stung....I don't know that it will ever be OK hearing that I'm not pregnant....but this time was weird, because we weren't even available to try!

My growing grinch heart and surprise travel

So I have a new respect for people who support a deployed spouse or loved one. This business is hard! I haven't seen my DH since New Year's Day. What a scam! I cry literally every time I talk to him on  the phone. It's a lot harder than I thought! Of course I know I can do it, but that doesn't make it any easier.

You'll be relieved to hear (or I'm relieved to be typing) that this message is being typed to you from the  skies courtesy of United Airlines. The weather forecast in NJ was calling for 2 feet of snow! Holy moly! So instead of staying to face it, I decided I would up and book a last minute ticket to see DH. Now this is going be to be a total surprise to him...So don't tell him! 

I feel like I'm heading to a first date. I'm so nervous that he won't like the surprise. He's not big on being surprised. I managed to pull off a surprise birthday party for him last year. He was so surprised I was able to keep the secret. He enjoyed that party, but this is different. His head isn't in being married mode. It's in prepping for mobilization mode. So it's not that he wouldn't love to see me I'm sure, it's more his head is in the game. I might just be a distraction. 

As I enjoyed a glass of wine before the flight I was chatting with the lovely woman next to me. She was traveling for work and was excited to be getting out of town with the pending doom....I mean snow. When she asked why I was traveling I told her it was to see DH before he deployed. She started telling me of everyone in her family who has served or was married to someone who was/has served. She said to me when I told her the outrageous last minute price I paid for this ticket, "the things we do for love.." And it got the wheels turning. 

My outlook on love has absolutely evolved over the last 3 years.  Growing up in the family I did, we always had implied love. Not expressed love. We didn't really ever say I love you, we more just knew everyone loved everyone else from the way we treated each other. Now I'm married to a Puerto Rican and boy when it comes to love, he knows how to show, tell, express, and layer it on. It's one of the things that drew me to him. This unexplainable openness with emotion that he has.  I feel so lucky to have a husband who is willing to share that side of himself with me. It has got me opening up more. Every once in a while I'll sneak in an "I love you" to my Mom, or Dad or siblings or cousins. It's crazy how one change can have a ripple effect on your norm.

Then I started thinking. I wonder if the emotionally bound Katie would handle this deployment differently. Would I have been as weepy as I am? Would I be breaking out into tears at work as much as I do? I'd like to think that I would, but being through everything I've been through in the last 3 years has brought me to who I am today. And I never thought openly emotional would be who I am. Yes, i am welled up with tears right now on the plane. Haha I'm like the grinch in the way that my heart has begun to grow at a rate I couldn't imagine. My emotional heart is about the size of Noah's ark right now. I feel all emotions on a new level. Especially love!

Coming back to my initial thought in this post I feel overwhelming thanks. Being a military spouse is a defining role and it is only enhanced by support of others. So thank you, whoever you are who is reading this. Thanks for being you. Thank you to spouses and military support systems. Thank you to all hopeful mothers like myself. Thank you to everyone who has shared their blogs for me to read silently for months. Thank you to my DH for serving our country and for loving me as much as you do. 

Disclaimer: this was typed on an iPad. Sorry for any spelling errors!