Wanted: Brain Power

So I'm home - I spent 2 weeks in SoCal with my DH...and now he is gone. I tracked his flight as he took his 4 leg trip from SoCal to the Middle East - each leg taking him further and further from me. Technology is so great because it gives us a way to keep in touch, but watching his little icon plane fly further from home was an awful feeling.

This being my first deployment, everyone tells me it's the worst. I started a new cycle just days before he left, so now he's gone and so are any chances of us conceiving. A hugely bitter-sweet pill to swallow with a smile on my face. As I sat at work today, people passed by my desk and with the best intentions asked how I was doing. I hope it was normal "par-for-the-course" behavior to want to just stab everyone (including myself) in the eye. I wanted to cry, and then got aggravated at myself for wanting to cry....It's day ONE! Pull yourself together, woman! I hope this gets easier.

As I stood at the curb with DH waiting for the luggage to arrive at the airport from the base, I looked around at the other guys deploying with him. I don't know these men and women - and while they are all going to the same place - they are all strangers. They are supposed to put their trust in each other. They are supposed to rely on their combat brothers and sisters to get them home. STRANGERS! I was both overwhelmed at the fact that so many were there at the airport alone - and also overwhelmed at the fact that these men and women (like my DH) were leaving their families and loved ones to fight for our country. For God and Country.....really a remarkable thing. It only makes it easier for a minute. Once that national pride wears off, I'm left with my feelings of quiet aloneness.

My friends and family have been trying to convey and shower me with support, but I still feel alone. I want the days to go quickly and I want to hold on to that feeling of how perfectly he fit into my arms as I hugged him at the airport. How I felt his breath on my shoulder telling me he would be back to me. How I felt his arms squeeze my back as if he was trying to shove more of his love into my body to keep me going. How I felt when I kissed him through the tears that were rolling down my cheek that one last time. Today is Day 1 back to normal life. I hope it gets better from here.