Surgery day recap

So I survived! Not that it was really a question. I had confidence in my doctor all the way. It's weird though. I've done surgery before with my mom taking care of me, but this one was so different. We arrived at the hospital at 6am. After shuffling through the paperwork and making our way through different hallways and elevators we made it to the pre-op room. It's always icy cold! So I changed into my lovely and aesthetically pleasing hospital gown, after a small mishap with the IV I was wrapped with warm blankets and waited. 

The doctor came in and greeted myself and my mom. Explained that the plan as still endometriosis removal, selective hsg and then the ovarian wedge resection. He said he would evaluate everything else while in there and give it a good once over. All in all should be expected to be about 2.5 hours. After he left the room I wanted nothing more then to have DH there holding my hand. Telling me it would be ok. I lost it for a minute and my mom hugged me and did all her mommy magic. But the biggest piece of my heart was missing. I'm getting teary-eyed writing this!

So soon after that they came in and I gave my mom a kiss as we shuffled down the hall to the OR. During this time and even looking back on it now, it was a surreal experience. Like it wasn't me. I couldn't talk because if I did, I would absolutely BURST into tears. As I got assembled on the table I felt a tear welling up in the corner of my right eye as the doctor asked me where I wanted to dream of while simultaneously a hot rushing metallic taste took over my mouth and soon two long blinks was the last I remember. 

When I started waking up all those groggy feelings and wanting to move little motions start to take over. The nurse told me I had to lay still and soon I would be wheeled down to recovery where I could see my mom. Now I've been through enough surgeries to know you aren't going anywhere until you use the bathroom. So I told her I had to go. She said I had to wait until I was in the next phase of recovery. 

Finally downstairs I saw my mom. She said the doctor told here there was no endometriosis to remove!  There was one polyp he removed from my uterus and he cleared the mucus build up in one of my fallian tubes. Then he did the ovarian wedge resection. Both of my ovaries were about 2x the size of normal ovaries. So he resized them and now here we are. 

So I'll be staying with my parents for a few days. I'm pretty mobile, just sore, slow moving and stiff. My throat is very sore. Of course it's difficult to cough or laugh. But all in all I have to say, things went well! Now I'll just put my time in for the remainder of the deployment. 

A little something something....

Today I have been thinking a lot about the upcoming summer. It usually goes so quickly, which I think this year will be a blessing. With DH deployed, it will get us closer to the window to his return. I was with my sister and my three nieces this week and the girls were asking about my husband. They are all under the age of six, so the questions are things like “does he ride camels?” and “Is he fighting bad guys?” which in all their innocence makes me smile. If only things were that simple.

Next week I’m going for my surgeries. It’s been a little emotional this week I think just leading up to that. I’ve had my mom drive me to surgeries before, but this one is different with DH half way around the world. I’ll miss him by my bedside taking care of me. He does make the best chicken soup! He had grown this moustache while he has been overseas. When we skyped yesterday I was so glad to see his handsome face – no moustache! It’s the little things that get you through! We hit the 6 month mark since he officially deployed. It’s kind of skewed since he was in the country for training for a bit. But it’s definitely been an adjustment.

My mind has been wandering to reintegration. Not only him coming home to me and readjusting to that, but also the fact that our home sold right after he left. So he isn’t even coming home to the place that he left. I’m in a small apartment waiting for him so once we have a little time to settle back into life, we can look for a new house to buy together. I wonder not only what kind of emotional bundle will be coming back to me, but what kind of emotional bundle he is coming home to! I’m sure I have changed a lot in this period as well. I definitely feel like our relationship has been through the pasta mill. It’s been the pasta dough that was watered and floured and pounded before finally run through the pasta mill. Now we are a pile of noodles waiting to be turned into something! Who knows what. Hopefully it’s a delicious thing!

Yesterday I had somewhat of a small breakthrough of sorts. I haven’t been able to get myself to go to the gym. DH and I went in the mornings together before work, and it’s been very hard for me to even face the idea of going since he has been deployed. It’s been the last big mental block in my life. I know – come on girl – get over it! So I talked my cousin into going with me. I knew if I could just get through the doors, I would be good. So yesterday, it happened! Today my arms are so sore. But it feels good. As I did certain weights and such I found myself watching for DH to come around the corner. Our normal routine. I can’t wait for him to be back. I really miss him everywhere in life!

So not much of an update here. But just a little catching up things are good post. I will have more next week after the surgery and I will let you know how that all goes!

Light in the tunnel!

Have you been to the eye doctor when they sit you behind that black apparatus and make you lean your head against it to look through the impossibly small holes? Then they hook up the "reading" bar with a little card and slide it closer to your eyes obstructing everything else in view but bringing those tiny little letters into your whole range of focus. That exactly explains where my life has been for the last few weeks. Those tiny letters on that little card have been the miscarriage - obstructing my ENTIRE LIFE. I haven't been able to see anything past that.

Why now? It's 6 months past when it actually happened, so why now? Let's think about that....At the time of the miscarriage, DH was getting ready to deploy, he was away at training, the house was in the final stages of selling, packing, apartment hunting, DH departing to CA, moving, back and forth to CA to visit him, moving again, finally DH going overseas.....then I came home to quiet. I was left with my DH deployed, I wasn't 6 months pregnant. I was in an apartment alone. I was dredging through life. I was finally facing the fact that here I was, in a non-ordinary life, alone - no husband and no baby. Not only that, but we didn't even really have another chance to try for a baby after the miscarriage because of the timing.

So we miscarried and I've just been kind of sitting with the disappointment. No hope to try again for a year. Now don't get me wrong. I know God has a plan. I know that things happened the way that they did for a reason. I know that it also took me a good 3 weeks to get in touch with what exactly my problem was! Guys, I was in  HUGE FUNK!

I finally identified the problem. I finally began talking about it. Working through it. I'm definitely not through it. But I've found a candle in my tunnel. I can at least see where I'm going now. It's a dim light, but it's helping me keep my balance, and step over the obstacles in the way. I feel much more in control since I've identified what it is that was weighing me down.

So I feel ready to move forward a little at a time. The first step is going forward with the surgeries I have scheduled with my NaPro doctor. I see him next Thursday and I have a list of questions. I'm scheduled for three surgeries. One to remove the endometriosis (endo as most people shorten it to), a selective HSG, and an ovarian wedge resection. The hope is to get in, get cleaned up and get healed and hopefully ready and ovulating on my own (without meds!) so when DH is back, we can start trying again for the family we want so badly.

It's funny the way life works out sometimes. In this season of Easter, I feel that I have been given new hope, new life and a new chance. I hope that I can hold onto this feeling of newness as I watch the flowers start to poke their heads up, trees start to slowly turn green and the sun stay a little higher in the sky a few minutes longer every day. It's such a hopeful time of year. I hope that the hope extends to you and your family too.